What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
bring money and cleavage
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize
