So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
