I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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