I accidentally burped into my bong.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
