drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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