her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
