My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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