you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
