The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
