we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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