I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
