I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
