Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
