Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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