Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
not ubering you a puppy
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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