I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My vagina just clenched in fear
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
