I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
foreskin is a definite game changer
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
