I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
