I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
