If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
