He uses pillows to masturbate.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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