I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
