I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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