We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
