this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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