Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
