Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
