my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
