my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
