very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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