Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Randomize
