When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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