low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
