Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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