it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
