I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
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just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
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i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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