If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
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