Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
