i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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