great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
