Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
