Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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