I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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