A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
