What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
