Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
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Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
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I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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