i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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