fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
