enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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