i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
