Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
