Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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