Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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