life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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