We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
