my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
