My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
