If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
a search helicopter?!
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
